Free Standing Shelving

Is this scene familiar to any of you? Comments and critique are welcome, thanks?

Suggested category- Dining Out in New York, yes please, I'll have some of that. Force 10 If by chance you care to glance and peep in Beth's room while she sleeps, a hurricane has swept a path and littered wreckage piles up deep. All her garments rumpled, crumpled, stacked upon a ransacked bed. Wardrobe doors swing free from hinges, loosened when composure fled. Empty shelving, cleared of old books, dumped upon the dark wood floor. All her soft toys in the corner, from her schoolbag papers pour. Half-mast curtains,lamp-shades tilted broken beads which look like mine. See my long forgotten lipstick, safe inside her pink-walled shrine. Boots and shoes, how many are there? East or west the pairs are tossed. All goods classified as missing have appeared, they've not been lost. In the morning, hear a whistle. watch the red card handed out. She'll be clearing up the chaos, on her face, no doubt a pout.

Public Comments

1. I loved it. Thanks for sharing.
2. loved it. well done.
3. Hi. I like this, you have some good images, i love your words choices, the picture words pain a vivid description of what happened to the main character. Once again your pen has weaved magic in this writing.. T.C
4. .
5. Yes,when I was young and full of energy that had to be spent outside, but now it bothers me. =p
6. Wow. Really good building I like how it ended with same rhythm as it started I liked the pink-walled shrine description of? IKD a make up station like a ritualization of cultural concepts of beauty to me that was very succinct and efficient poeticism I also like how you took a bland event on the surface and with the pace of your poem gave it an emotional intensity I sensed a battle of wills so really great write here good job
7. I really liked this...funny stuff. If it is a critique you want...I might think about changing All goods classified as missing have appeared, they've not been lost. to: All goods classified as missing, somewhere in this wreckage--lost. maybe...Hey...Fun read!
8. Yowee, strong Cassie. I so miss Beth/HD
9. Force 10 totally unforced rhythm, highly musical, not at all boring, and a new style from you. Love it absolutely. This one is unforgettable. More please...
10. Ambitious. At the risk of repeating myself, one or two lines need work.
11. Well I never. Is this a new you? I loved this....it reads so naturally, none of the rhyming is forced, the subject matter is instantly recognisable which draws us in - the whole thing is a delight. I stumbled once - a hurricane has swept a path and littered wreckage piles up deep. because I read it as 'a hurricane has swept a path/and littered wreckage (ie the hurricane has done both things) so the 'piles up deep' threw me a bit, but on re-reading the stumble disappeared. But, maybe 'the' instead of 'and' before 'littered' would avoid this. I do agree with 'cheese' - his rephrasing suits your rhythm better. A great write - thanks for the read. ps - the internal rhyming was a treat!
12. This glides in read as free as her spirit.
13. Exactly why I make Gabster lay out her clothes the night before school! And, yes! I see this sight every time I pass her room!
14. Laugh out loud! How well you have captured the tornadic effects of every teen on this planet! My child, my friends' children, nieces and nephews (minus the cosmetics) are livers of life not cleaners. Time for that later when they try to get their lives in order. Good usage of internal rhyme and the phrasing focuses on the chaos of the room. Well written for the subject matter. Enjoyed it, muchly!
15. Brilliant! Very accomplished use of rhyme and line movement, adding to the laugh out loud effect. Well observed too, with a convincing and consistent tone. I'm envious: definitely one of your best.
16. Had a good laugh! I relived my days with my kids. Some things don't change at all. But it needs a poet's mind to see the humour in the scene. As a mother, all that I saw was the Herculean task of clearing the mess before leaving for office. My children had a funny way of stepping out their skirts, leaving the old one still standing on the floor. Why don't you follow it up with a sequel--getting the mess cleaned by them.
17. Really don't know what makes some people Messy while others Orderly!' Being of the latter category, I'd be tearing my hair at the scene...but luckily for me, my sons are organised :)) Enjoyable read :) Some spirits remain untamed and free...